Chapter 21. 400 Years Are Behind Me

This is the final chapter. Part 2 of life taking hold in the mind of your reader. Wow. Imagine. We began on the 8th of December 2025 — 21 weeks ago — we now have a memoir.

Following last week's pattern, I'm breaking 6. Visit from Elaine and 7. Prem Rawat in Barcelona into 8 parts. Allocating a symbolic station to each. Letting my intuition evolve each. Using a combination of 8-station mind-maps, discoveries, and 12-words.

6. Formation of the Moon/ Visit from Elaine 19 — 24. 04.26

1. Fallen Angel. A massive collision with a proto planet (Theia) occurs early on, which likely stabilises Earth's axial tilt, affecting climate and creating the Moon. 

2. Crosshatch Circle. Me and Elaine laugh.

3. The Mask. Swim.

4. Crescent Moon. Eat.

5. Split Rectangle. Meet Rachel every day,

6. The World. Forgive mum and dad. Mum comes to all our parents’ evenings. Dad is with us till the end of his life. They just aren’t consistent. Weighed down by guilt. Elaine gets me to understand dad will have been suffering too for leaving his kids.

7. The Ghost. Me, her and Rach' nearly die laughing watching Tropic Thunder together. Shock! When I come out of Rachie's. It's been so homely, I have forgotten we are in Spain

8. The Sword. Rachel is sober — she has broken the demon my mum let in.

Mind-Map

Discoveries

1. You know you are gonna have to walk up them stairs again,’ Elaine says as she enters In the Ruins of the Big House late.
2. Elaine says, ‘You’ve come back to England twice, both times the hero.’
3. We have finally taken root.
4. Pushing our trolleys to Moss Side Precinct to go shopping, aged 21 and 17.
5. Mum and dad have to die for us to flower.
6. They eclipse us.
7. She is a mistress if I am a mistress. Aged 66 and 62. The plantation belongs to Elaine as much as me. It is a roof over our head. Our family’s. It is generational wealth.
8. Rachel is on her sickbed when I am on stage. 

Day 2

Mind-Map

Title: In the Ruins of the Big House

Object: The doctor leaning into me.

12 associations.

1. Adam
2. Elaine
3. Elly
4. Jacob
5. Carol and Tina
6. The mistress.
7. Biting into my nose
8. Lying
9. I would rather have my nose bitten off my face than have all and sundry fuck me again. And this is what leads to how my daughter is in bed broken when I am on stage.
10. Black corset
11. Removing the pictures.
12. ‘You know you are gonna have to walk up them stairs again.’ She says as she enters In the Ruins of the Big House late. 

Oh, my God this is so ugly, this is so fucking ugly. In the Ruins of the Big House. November 2024. Factory International. In the Ruins of the Big House. I don’t know why I can’t keep my knickers up as a teenager. I can’t blame it on race. I can’t blame it on my parents. I don’t have a filter. I don’t have a way of stopping myself. I think I just want a boyfriend. But boys always want something else. And now I’ve got a reputation for myself. And I’m never gonna get a boyfriend. I know. And they know. Even though I’m actually pretty. I’m actually good looking. I am actually attractive. But I ain’t got a boyfriend. But I do have a reputation.

And Tom is willing to forgive that reputation. Well, he doesn’t bring it up. He is bigger than shit like that. But he isn’t bigger than. Fucking hell. He bites my nose off my face. He is biting into my nose. He doesn’t bite it completely off. He bites it partially off. On the left-hand side. If you pull my nose to the side, you can tell I have had stitches. I think there are 12. Really tiny ones, cos the doctor is kind. And he tells me what he is doing. I am pissed at the time. Leaning into him.

Pissed isn’t how the trouble starts. I don’t know how the trouble starts Me and Carol, his sister, want to go back to the Junction. Tom’s family are in the Junction. It is their local. And we’re getting ready to go out the door. And Tom doesn’t want us to go. It isn’t tied to his usual insanity about me and other guys. I just flirt. I like guys liking me. But there’s no way on earth I would fuck out on him. He is my human chastity belt. And I’ve thought it to myself many a time. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to be the mother of 8 with no fella. Or have 8 abortions. Here we go. I would rather have my nose bitten off my face than have all and sundry fuck me again. And this is what leads to how my daughter is in bed broken when I am on stage. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ.

I am dressed in a black corset and the bottom half of my mistress dress. I am stood at the top of my Bette Davis stairs. I am shitting myself. Elaine is coming. I want the photos of us as a kid removed from the frames. I’m scared of Elaine. Scared, she’ll be mad, that I’m telling our family story. And she is in one of the photos. You need to take them down. Why am I diverting myself. Cos I’m ashamed.

I am dressed in a black corset, and my daughter is in hospital. She has fallen down a flight of stairs and broken her ribs. She isn’t pissed; it is the morning. But I won’t fly back to Spain cos this is my debut. This is my stage debut aged 64. 2024. No one is stopping me wearing this dress.

‘You know you are gonna have to walk up those stairs again so I can take a photo.’ Elaine says as she enters In the Ruins of the Big House late. She’s not late on purpose. They’ve parked miles away. To save money, no doubt, a family trait.

Adam Danquah is at the table. The psychologist who will help us unpack the 8ft x 8ft 8-station mind-maps in HOME, MY MUM IS WHITE: Exorcising Half-Caste Ghosts. 2025. He is there as research. Then Elaine. Then Elaine’s daughter-in-law, Elly, who will take part in MY MUM IS WHITE. Then my nephew Jacob. Mr Jacob. Sat opposite them is Carol and her best friend Tina. It is Carol who drives me to A & E. It is Carol who witnesses my nose being bitten off my face.

It is Rachel who swallows my lies about it. It is me who sugar coats who her dad is to her. 

Day 3

7.  Life Takes Hold/ Prem Rawat in Barcelona 

1. Fallen Angel. Following these events, which take place over roughly the first 600 million years (Hadean Era), the environment becomes stable enough for the first bacteria-like life to emerge around 3.7 to 3.8 billion years ago.

2. Crosshatch Circle. I'm posting on my online community on Amanda Frances, where I am being coached to monetise my skills. Including learning to spend, to see myself as a wealthy woman.

3. The Mask. So, ladies. I'm ever so slightly pissed on 20-year-old single malt whiskey that I have taken from an honesty bar in a posh hotel that began at 1078 euros.

4. Crescent Moon. They give me a new day rate cos of my Spanish phone that brings it down to 703 euros.

5. Split Rectangle. On the plane from Nerja to Barcelona, I am anxious about travelling from the plane to my posh hotel. Then I make a decision. Fuck it. I am gonna spend the difference on being abundant. I get a taxi.

6. The World. Find out my hotel room is upgraded to include its own terrace that I am now sat on.

7. The Ghost. Room service. Why the fuck not? Vegan Burger. Fucking beautiful. Go for a walk in a pedestrianised area. Get myself so fucking lost I have to get a taxi. 10 euros. 5 is the tip. Cos he saves me.

8. The Sword. Then I go to that honesty bar. 22 euros for a nightcap. 22 euros for a nightcap!

Thousands of years ago when I used to go to see Maharaji, (Prem Rawat) my guru, in Europe, I used to envy Premies (people with Knowledge) staying in these posh hotels. 

Now. Now. Now! I am one of them. I love my violet wash. I love my fucking rainforest shower from the sky. I love this community. I cannot imagine boasting about this anywhere else in the world.

 Mind-Map

Discoveries

1. Bacteria. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Like my career. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Now breaking the surface. Evolving its own atmosphere.  
2. 400 years of my ancestors having no money, to overcome.
3. I am the girl on the train. I am the girl on the train with the master’s hat on. But I have swapped it for the evening top hat. And I am using my acting skills to be in the dining car. To act the part of someone who is meant to frequent the dining car. I have been studying the master. Not the mistress. The mistress cannot travel alone.
4. They believe me. It is consensus. It is who you choose to be. As I am being coached. Who you believe you are. They don’t look closely. They too are choosing to see me like this.
5. Like spin the bottle. Like the I Ching. Like the Dice Man. I am in this game with life itself. No one else. I am playing against life itself. I am in this game with no one else. Only the past. Only what I will dare to have.
6. But the real world is on the stairs. The real marble where this world comes from is on the hotel stairs. Ripped out to be the fake world that everyone adores. The decadence is on the hotel stairs. In the handrail. Up the marble walls. The time, patina, age, is in the dirt in the cracks. My terrace is cut off fakely from the one next door. I apologise for talking on my phone. ‘It won’t work inside.’ I’m mad at myself. They say it is all right. You fucking apologise. No one told me to apologise. No one, but 400 years.
7. The one I can most do without is food. The one they were made to most do without is food. How can you work from sunup to sundown without food? How can the English rape your fields and sell your food? An Irish woman is proud if she has bread and margarine. I don’t know that of my dad. He does not have control of the kitchen. To make myself buy a vegan burger is a major win. I’m up 100 on the scoreboard. Where was I? I had a loss, then a win. More win. More win, win, as I walk past the cool bar. A version of what was cool before. Done before. Replicants. Deeper and deeper. Into the Ramblas. The fakely cool bar. With the white boy with locks. White boy locks. Fonso’s locks. The 70s was the last feel of genuine. We have all been lost since then.
8. For the first time I realise that Premie comes from Prem Rawat’s name. I am a Premie cos Prem is called Prem. He was Maharaji then.

Day 4

MInd-Map

Title. 400 Years Has Eaten Up Enough of My Time

 Object: Boulder

12 associations

1. Pain
2. Death
3. Jesus
4. Easter
5. Easter eggs
6. Creamy
7. Fishes
8. Wonder
9. Butterflies
10. Butterfly nets
11. Little books with trees on are for me
12. Liquorice

Knee socks and unicycles are for me. 400 years has eaten up enough of my time. I am building a new world where I belong. Exactly as me. The resurrection. The true meaning of Easter. The resurrection. And a baptism. And dunking your head in the water. And seeing it all differently. Wow. I can’t believe where this book began. I cannot, really fucking cannot, believe what I have confessed. Even to myself. I can’t believe the depths of metaphor I have enjoyed. Getting right down and dirty in it. I can’t wait to read it back. I can’t believe all the corners I have touched and dusted. And last night and this morning I was anxious about how do I end this book. How do I wrap it all up? As usual I have the good ideas. The literary ideas. But one thing my practise of 66 years has taught me: don’t believe that shit. That’s your funky mind. That’s your lying mind. That’s the one that gets tricked by other people’s lying minds. The thing I most trust about Prem Rawat, Maharaji, is he don’t lie. I don’t know Jack-shit about his life. But I know this. I am gonna die. We are all gonna die. There is a wall where we come in and a wall where we go out and in between we live. And madly for no fucking reason, I can’t fathom it out, there are people standing all across the field that constitutes this time with megaphones shouting mega-shit, shouting mega, just mega shouting, and our lives are like butterflies, drifts of butterflies that dance on my lane the other day. Drifts of beautiful butterflies. We have no idea why they are there why they are made they are just a part of creation, and some mad fucker has a megaphone, and it is shouting at the butterflies don’t dance that way, don’t drift that way, don’t suck from that plant. And then it has a reason. The nutter with the megaphone has a reason. And the reasons become facts. And the facts have ways of being. Have uniforms we have got to adhere to. Well, I’m becoming a deaf butterfly. All except to what is in my heart. Listening to my heart. With what time I have left. Rolling back the boulder of the grave where I have been buried. And rolling it back onto the 400 years. And living my life full of Easter egg chocolate. Well, I can’t cos of me cholesterol. A marker of time. One day there will be a butterfly net. And I hope there is no pain.

Do you know the greatest thing that Knowledge, the four techniques of Knowledge, have given me. I have no flow back. I have no flow forward. I am stuck in now. This is what was promised to me. This is what I have. This is what I practise every day. For 1 hour every morning. NOW. The beauty of now. First it was a concept. I’ve watched Prem Rawat live through this concept too. I remember his early flowery Satsang (the company of the truth) where he is being the guru. Now he just is the guru. He tells us about death. Not in a morbid way. In an inevitable way. And he tells, he told us in Barcelona, and Wednesday in Germany, make heaven here NOW. Make heaven here. As I walk through my drift of butterflies on my lane with my wicker basket in my hand to go to my ecological shop over the road to buy organic vegan stuff for my cholesterol that I now love to eat that reminds me of Premies in the Ashram in the 1970s when me and Tom met Prem Rawat first on cassette tapes and he promised me, he promised me, if I got on his boat I would have a great life. I’ve had a great life. I’ve had a great life. I’ve pulled fishes of great knowledge into my boat. I met Jesus in my time. I’ve marvelled at the creamy wonder of the universe and let it guide me further into my practice. Into the liquorice spirals of galaxies that tell me that little hardback books with trees on are also for me.

Underneath all the noise. I am a genius. I was always a genius. Even as a little girl. I have been looking for her. I have found her. We are playing together. We are safe.

Homework

I want you to go back into 6. Formation of the Moon/your event. 7. Life Takes Hold/your event. Let go. Listening to your heart/subconscious/intuition as you experiment with combinations of 8-station mind-maps, discoveries, and 12-word narratives.

You never have to stare at a blank page again. You never have to worry where it will take you. Your subconscious is in control. Even of making decisions. Our life decisions are a minimum of 94% subconscious.

Sacred Hour. Sacred Space.

• Today. Monday. Concentrate on this chapter.
• Day 1. Tues. Experiment on/unpack your 6. Formation of the Moon/your event. My day 1 gives me mind-map/discoveries.
• Day 2. Weds. My day 2 repeats 6 and give me mind-map/12-words. You do what feels right in your heart.
• Day 3. Thurs. I unpack 7. Life Takes Hold/event. It gives me mind-map/discoveries.
• Day 4. Fri. I dig into 7 again it gives me mind-map/12-words. You do what feels right to you. Just make sure you exhaust 6 & 7.
• Day 5. Saturday. Day off.
• Day 6. Sunday. Type and Log.

Your final chapter. CONGRATULATIONS. When you finish have a huge treat.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Waiting for Elaine. Remember, I'm not sure how she is gonna take me blabbing the family business. I am the oldest in the family pic. She is the middle child.

Sexiest photo of me ever. Elaine hasn't arrived yet.

Tom's sister, in the glasses.

Elaine has arrived. Reading my mum and dad's narrative.

Loving my little sister.

Loving my nephew.

Elaine holding court cos her sister is the mistress.

Elaine making her point. We are being us in front of each other. No longer shy. Turns out Adam isn't at that table. But he should have been.

Me and Adam post exorcism. Adoring our work. MY MUM IS WHITE. HOME. 2025.