Chapter 17. Divine Purpose

This week's chapter has 4 days. New timetable. We are gonna smash our pebbles into boulders. I absolutely fucking love how all this is adding up.

How Last Week Evolved for Me

Day 1. Tuesday 07.04.26

A Portrait of a Soul's 8 Vital Discoveries

1. The Sky is Falling Down
2. The story is making its own way back in time, further back.
3. The Princess docked.
4. I love them — I hate them.
5. Generous big KitKats. While our mums and dads herd down with shopping bags of empties to buy the draft that will get them through another night, that buys the posh women, and the sister, and the Princess more Hermes scarves.
6. And she has been caught — thank fucking Christ for that. And we’re all waiting for her sky to fall down. Oh my God we are so fucking sick of waiting.
7. Tom tells D— who tells F — who tells BD.
8. Bruce Lee is beside me. Pacing me. Telling me what to do. Coaching me.

… the enemy has only image and illusions behind which he hides his true nature. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy.

8 Discoveries’ Mind-map

8 New Discoveries

1. I want to be a nun. For my 9^th birthday I ask my dad to buy me the white Bible with the gold edging in Rice’s Newsagents.
2. Each week I buy the Bunty, The Judy, The Mandy. My favourite hero is Valda. And the Fountain of Youth. Each week after she has sorted shit out she must reach it before she becomes her 400-year-old self. Each week her fingertips just about make it.
3. I read my Falconhurst, my Mum’s Falconhurst sagas, and scour the bottom of my spine for the blue black mark that says I am a mulatto and I should escape to a brothel in New Orleans.
4. Under siege from the eldest Prouse. Who dares anyone to talk to me. The gauntlet. Unable to take the gauntlet themselves, they never do.
5. One minute the sky is falling down. There is no warning. No screams. One minute you’re her best mate running down Oxford St. She sticks her finger in plastic-packed apples. We share on the steps of Boots. Before the security guard orders me to open my coat and our goodies fall out. We can’t run for laughing. Then inside the eldest Prouse the sky falls down again. And you are in lockdown again. Reading again. They are outside your window praying, praying, your mates, that her hate doesn’t turn and cage them. I was gonna say again. But there is no again for them. Only her best mate.
6. The Princess docks. I am her chosen companion.
7. Whistle Down the Wind. They find Jesus in the barn. The kids. His beard. His hair. They worship him. All my young inner selves worship Tom till he tells D — who tell F — who tells BD. I should have left him then. To me he has become The Walking Dead’s Sophia. He is stored by the Hershel in me, for a better day, when he will be saved. But he’s dead inside. I should have shot him, like Carl shoots her when she comes out of the barn.
8. When he doesn’t fight BD, me and Bruce Lee know Tom has destroyed his own image. When I kick the eldest Prouse all the Reno’s hall of mirrors shatter at the same time.

Day 2. Wednesday. 08.04.26

8 Discoveries' Mind-map

8 New Discoveries

1. My dad comes from a small community. They grow coffee when they are enslaved. They would never steal from each other. I am not saying enslaved with the same upset. It is just what their life is. When he makes me take the Polo Fruits back to Rice’s Newsagent it isn’t to end my dream of being a nun. It is so I will have respect for myself and know there are no shortcuts. So, I will learn to do things properly. Have respect. Earn respect. Respect in the community. He loves me with his wisdom. Which he heaps on me. ‘4 x 8 equals?’ As he walks through the door. ’32.’ I am ecstatic because I always know I’m right. My brother has grassed because I won’t give him some Polo Fruits.
2. Jesus. Easter. The Cross. Simon of Cyrene who carries it. The Appian Way. SPQR. Mary, niche, Lourdes. The dying. The sick. The Roman Road. Magic. The world is covered in magic. Valda. The Fountain of Youth. We just refuse to know it. Like Tube-a-Lipstick at the end of our street. A big woman and her little man. And their determination to have an ugly life. The ball keeps hitting their wall. Whereas over the road is Frog-woman and her son and her piano and his pent-up-ness. And Jesus on all her walls. All her walls. All her walls.
3. She has to be paler than me to pass on a train. Her hair under a man’s hat. The most handsome man that has ever boarded this train. The conductor is coming. I have to put Falconhurst down to have a break. I like the slave quarters more than the big house. There is something I never like about the big house. Not even the way they say Jesus.
4. The gauntlet is still outside the window. What choice do they have? They can’t risk her turning on them. The single herd. A wildebeest. A stationary wildebeest. Looking back at me. I go back to the book. She is still on the train. The conductor comes. He looks. Please don’t take her hat off. She holds her nerve. Her heart is racing.
5. We don’t run, that day in Boots. I am not a nun, that day in Boots. Our bounty pours out of my coat and hers. We sit down on the stairs and laugh. She is taken aback, the guard. It feels like there is a torch on us. Why would there be a torch on us it’s the middle of the day? She trains the torch on us. In her polyester men’s trousers. We begin to laugh harder. The hardened half-caste criminals. She begins to talk into her walkie-talkie. Fuck off. Why have we stolen laxatives? Lip powder? Fuck off, lip powder. There’s nothing we actually want. She goes to make a grab for us. The eldest Prouse pushes her out of our way. ‘Fuck off you daft twat.’ I almost piss myself on Cross St.
6. I am the companion. A little worse for wear. A little repair here and there. The Princess is taller than me.
7. I feel more about the characters in the books. There is no need to be jealous eldest Prouse. They have no books. They are Philistines. They are nobodies. They have no heart. Well, maybe the posher one’s mother. Her retired teacher skills mark my world. Between glasses of Noilly Prat. It is a marriage of convenience. She knows my geeky heart.
8. In my world heroes go down with the ship. Well, look at Jesus. What I can’t fathom now is why I stay with Tom so long. I hate that. I fucking hate that. 1984 — 2001. 17 more years.

Day 3. Thursday 09.04.26

8 Discoveries' Mind-map

 8 New Discoveries

1. It’s hard to imagine myself enslaved. It’s hard, literally, to think back and not coat it with modern aspirations. Maybe they are used to it. What an awful thing to say. I remember in 1974 they are in awe of my colour, my heritage. My UK heritage. My accent. Whereas when Rachel goes in 1989 the young girls hate her. ‘You think you’re fine with your pale skin.’ What happened in those 15 years? Television. The old dying out. The old who have the Queen on their wall.
2. I make myself a mistress. A hero. A hero who can make herself a mistress. But I have never felt more decadence than Aunt Adelyn’s boots and medium brown hands placing my Milo on the plastic white table that overlooks the Blue Mountains. Where we formerly farmed coffee for the master. But the stiffness off the mistress’ choker is nothing compared to the validity of a family cook pot put on rock-stones every day. And the paraffin lamps and the fireflies in conversation. And my aunt saying, ‘Pass me the pimento.’ That is growing above her head on her tree.
3. She must have been scared when the conductor left. Looking through the window at the trees, changing. And the sunset, changing. And her family being left behind. And her pale skin under her man’s hat must have felt tight. She’s never gonna see anybody again. Does she want freedom, or does she want the choker? Does she think her pale skin is worth more than the field?
4. Does her gauntlet remain outside the window. Even when she gets on the train? Does the glass feel like it is gonna give way? And the hoard devour her?
5. The Reno excavation is like sitting on the stairs in Boots, laughing. The BBC guard with his torch trained on us asking, ‘Can you hold this gambling room dice up like this?’ ‘Can I fuck!’ The Reno at the Whitworth Exhibition is being in the big house and the mistress is tying my choker deliberately tight cos she doesn’t want me there and if I have to be there, I must reflect their values. Until I put my hand up and I grab her hand, and I say, ‘You’re fucking hurting me.’
6. I am the companion in charge of the trunk. I cannot have a trunk. I can dream of a trunk. I can try on things from her trunk. Does the girl on the train have her own trunk now?
7. She is as real to me as my mum and my dad and Tom. She is more real than Ivan. She is one of the ghosts on the floor of the ravine of my inner world.
8. I stay with Tom cos I am such a slut when I am young. I cannot guarantee who I will sleep with. It begins against my father’s wall. Down the entry of Cowesby St. My knickers at my ankles. Held down by Joey Grey’s platforms. My dad sends me to Jamaica when my brother tells him I am Polo, the mint with the hole, on Tube-a-Lipstick’s gable wall. My dad sends me to Jamaica to save me.

Day 4. Friday 10.04.26

Isolate the couplet:
3. The Mask (Something is Hidden)

&

7. The Ghost (The Presence of the Past)

Interpreting the symbols like tarot cards. 8-station mind-map the couplet 3 & 7. Exhaust the discoveries. Listen for a title. What tangible object do you see?

3. She must have been scared when the conductor left. Looking through the window at the trees, changing. And the sunset, changing. And her family being left behind. And her pale skin under her man’s hat must have felt tight. She’s never gonna see anybody again. Does she want freedom, or does she want the choker? Does she think her pale skin is worth more than the field?

&

7. She is as real to me as my mum and my dad and Tom. She is more real than Ivan. She is one of the ghosts on the floor of the ravine of my inner world.

Couplet Mind-map

I hear the title: Divine Purpose

Object: Acropolis

12 Associations:

1.     A circus tent

2.     The circus ring

3.     The floor of the ravine

4.     The tightrope

5.     Goddess

6.     Athens

7.     People

8.     Commerce

9.     Trains stations

10. Big Clock

11. Performance

12. Catalogue

I bet there are magazines in her plantation. I bet there are magazines on the table of mistress’s bedroom where she brushes her mistress’s hair. And gets her bath water. And holds up the towel so her flat bottom can be covered. So, she can towel her mistress dry. I bet there is a brush and comb with ivory handles. Brought from a catalogue. The magazine come catalogue where the aspirations are hand drawn. And the mistress will imagine herself in the silk that will drag along the floor that our lady will mend. Our pale lady will mend on a regular basis with white gloves on, so she doesn’t leave a stain. I bet the stain on her skin maddens her when the silver tings on the China tureen when she tastes the soup cos madam doesn’t like it hot and she doesn’t like it cold and likes it just right. And he loves her. And you wish he loved you. But that would still not be your Divine Purpose. You don’t want to be in the circus tent. In this circus ring. Standing on the back of a pony, like the mistress, her feet buckled, buttoned, reed thin, like her waist. She doesn’t eat. Her eyes are big with lamentation. Her child died. But you don’t feel Jack shit. You’re concentrating on what you want. What do you want? The floor of the ravine? You want to be suspended over the floor of the ravine? But not like this silly bitch with her tightrope secure. 3 feet off the ground. People surrounding her to make sure she doesn’t fall. Don’t fall! Don’t fall, Mistress! Mistress, don’t fall. And her rope bends. Not like your elastics in Cowesby St. Waist high. I’d jump into the elastics held waist high by 2 girls' waists. That’s one thing. But then you have to jump and get your feet on the elastics. On the line of waist high elastics. Her tightrope sinks to the ground every time she steps on it. Don’t fall, Mistress. As she performs staging her play. Positioning this person this way and that person that way. Her little statues. One who crosses Selma Bridge. One, a little old lady, who crosses Selma Bridge. She crossed Selma Bridge you fucking thick bitch. But this is her Acropolis. Her Athens. Her Divine Purpose. Here, she is the goddess. Being made to include some people who aren’t white in her Divine Purpose. Or the Arts Council won’t give them a red cent. It’s 2009. And the clock is ticking. The big clock, the train station clock of White Supremacy. Commerce. The Arts Council have their catalogue. They need an Asian. An Iranian. A BAME. They need a good selection of BAME. I’m shocked that the mistress-hood of PT and NM is holding water on the other side of the pond. Yes, Mistress. But this is the epicentre of the candelabra. This moment is where my Divine Purpose begins. ‘You 2 will never know what it is like to love a gambler. Just to love him. Just to love. You 2 married for money. Status. She may have loved him. We have to unpack Cassie.’ No. They are hell bent on making Legree tragic for loving a black woman. But the black woman don’t care a thing about him. I string my tightrope across the pond and side with them. I make it to the other side with them. Beside the woman who crosses Selma Bridge, and the girl whose nana will kill her if she brings a white man home. The girl they have been making graceless all day. Ugly Topsy. With no inner world. On the pavement, I say,’ ‘I’m not doing this play. And you shouldn’t either.’ The mistresses are not pleased.

Boulders — Planet

We are gonna create our planet. By slamming these boulders together. Using the gravity of 8-stations. Evolving the elements of 12-words.

Tuesday. Day 1. Sacred hour. Sacred space.
• Note 8 vital discoveries you make in this week's day 4 12-word narrative.
• 8-station mind-map them.
• Note 8 discoveries. It is easier to do while the mind-map is happening or is fresh. Your subconscious becomes opaque again when you let it cool.

Wednesday. Day 2. Sacred hour. Sacred Space.
• 8-station mind-map these 8 discoveries.
• Note 8 discoveries.

Thursday. Day 3. Sacred Hour. Sacred Space.
• 8-station mind-map these 8 discoveries.
• Note 8 discoveries.

Friday. Day 4. Sacred hour. Sacred Space.
• Isolate day 3 couplet:

4. Crescent Moon (A Cycle)

&

8. The Sword (The Final Choice/Resolution.) It can stab you to
   death. Or like Arthur, you can pull it from the stone.

Interpreting the symbols like tarot cards. 8-station mind-map the couplet 4 & 8. Exhaust the discoveries. Listen for a title. What tangible object do you see?

Write its 12-word narrative

• Title
• Object
• 12 associations
• 12-words. 20 mins. You must use your object, 12 associations, under your title.

Saturday. Enjoy not thinking about it.

Sunday. Day 5. Type and Log.

• Type it up — don't change anything.
• Pair each day’s mind-map. 3 with new discoveries.
• The 4th with its 12-word narrative.
• Create a file — chronologically log all there.

Monday Day 6. Sacred Hour. Sacred Space.

Receive and digest your new instructions.

Thank you for listening to me.